There's nothing I hate more than rude, inconsiderate drivers. Unfortunately, living in Alberta, they seem to be the majority out on the highway. I know, I know: every city or province claims that they have the worst commuters on the planet. And to be fair, I think Montreal may lay claim to the dubious honour of having the very worst in the country (Stop signs = stop. No, really.). But for argument's sake, let's say that Alberta, and in particular Edmonton, has similarly horrible drivers.
I spend a lot of time on the highway. I have a little tiny car with all season tires, 2-wheel drive, and a 4 cylinder engine. It's not fast. It's not grippy. And yet, I still manage to not get in accidents even when the roads resemble the rink at Rexall.
(On a side note, all these arguments regarding whether or not to build a new arena for hockey in downtown Edmonton are bunk. If the city is going to refuse to plow the roads, why not just hold the hockey games out in the street? It's definitely icy enough, and the Oilers would have the advantage of being used to that lovely bitter cold. We may actually start to win some games.)
Pet Peeve #1: Weave Zones
Okay, so. Do we all remember drivers' ed? Do we remember the law regarding weave zones? Yes? 'Kay, good. If not, here's a refresher: if I'm entering a main road, the person on the main road exiting has the right of way. No ifs, ands or buts. Then tell me, since when is it appropriate for you in the car behind me to zip out on to the main road before me? I'm slowing down to let the guy on the main road exit on to our road. I'm not doing it to piss you off, I promise. Plus, it's icy. And snowy. So there. Also, please refrain from giving me the finger when you cut me off from behind. It's a good thing I shoulder check twice, most people don't. My Honda Fit may not have the engine power of your Hummer, but at least I'm not destroying the planet to assuage my over-sized ego. I also sleep really well, by the way.
Pet Peeve #2: Closed Lane Passers
It's rush hour. It's August. You've had a rough day at work and all you want to do is get home and pet your llama. The llama's had a rough day too. You two will commiserate over some casserole, all you need to do is drive home.
But wait: construction has occurred!
You percolate in a traffic jam because there's only one lane open when there should be two or three. Chances are you're on Whyte Ave. You're patiently crawling along because you know the lane next to you is going to end in five or so meters. And then! some @**hole comes zipping along in the soon-to-be-closed lane and merges in to your nice honest lane just at the last minute. You're furious! You're outraged! But oh well, you think, that's probably the only person who's going to do that. After all, people are good, deep down. Church attendance may be down, but there's still decency in the world. Driving etiquette exists.
But then another person does it! And another! They merge in to your lane one after the other, like tweens at a Miley Cyrus concert, all blatantly ignoring signs earlier in the route advising them to merge earlier.
The douchebags. You know they kick puppies and pull the wings off beautiful butterflies. But you stay in your lane and don't retaliate because you don't want to go home to your llama bitter and disillusioned. They're perceptive creatures, and no one needs an angry llama.
Pet Peeve #3: SNOW
Dear city of Edmonton: PLOW THE BLOODY ROADS!
That is all. Bella is scraping her Fit belly on the snowy roads.
Sincerely, Cait the Great
Seriously, I'm running out of men to push me out of the tundra/road. They become more scarce every day.
Good Drivers
Occasionally, one runs across a rarity: a calm, courteous Road Friend. These Road Friends are a gem in every way: they don't cut you off, they don't ride up your ass when you slow down on icy patches, and they switch to an outside lane when you're merging on to the road. I find the drivers of these cars are more often than not women.
I often like to give these Road Friends the distinction of having a name. I like to name inanimate objects: my car's name is Bella, my phone's name is Scarlett, and my laptop's name is Leticia. Leticia Laptop. I'm totally cool. So when a nice little Honda Civic kindly allows me on the highway, I say to myself "Thanks Cecilia Civic. Props." I keep an eye out for Cecilia as we travel along, and try to protect her from big mean Dodge Rams. Bella's got yo' back, Cecilia. You're welcome. It's nice to imagine myself surrounded by Road Friends. It's like a nice little golden aura around Bella. Why can't everyone be nice? The modern world's message of peace and equality extends to our roads too. At least, I think it does. Well, I'll start with myself. I hereby pledge to be a Road Friend.
And that's the Tip from the Wink for this edition: Try to be less of an dick on the roads. One day, the Road Friends will form a coalition and hunt you down. Hummers are no match for us.
